Monday, March 22, 2010

hello hello baby?

yeah so here's how that happened...

i was not blessed with gaga's bone structure and in the video, the cheeks are HIGHLY contoured. i created this clean line just by holding a paper towel against my face at an angle and brushing on a bronzer, then a dark magenta called "dolly mix" by m.a.c.
in hindsight, i probably could've even swept a line of brown shadow and then blended it to make it even more severe.

i used m.a.c. concealer just about everywhere. under my eyes, to highlight my brows, over my lips. it just makes everything STICK and stand out more. it's particularly important on the lips because it really helps your lipstick stay put and prevents feathering. i also like that you get the true color of the lipstick since you're working with what's essentially a blank canvas.

in the video and in her most recent appearances, gaga's been wearing her brows penciled in, old-hollywood style (think marilyn monroe or elizabeth taylor) in stark contrast to her white blonde and highlighter yellow hair. my brows are pretty arched so all i really had to do was fill in with basic black eyeliner. i sketched the outline along my natural shape, squaring off the inner corners, drawing a little past where they normally end, and creating a slight peak at the arch. it's all about patience and feather-light strokes.

the rest of the eye makeup was really a no-brainer. after concealer, i did another layer of primer with the late, great m.a.c. paints in untitled. it's a nude, light pink with a very subtle shimmer. i went over that with m.a.c. eyeshadow in orb, a matte pink-white. i used trust ol' carbon in my outer creases, as well as a vertical line towards the inner corners which i blended thoroughly.

the eyeliner is somewhat of a pain in the ass if you're not experienced. my guess is if you're attempting this look, you at LEAST know you're way around a goddamn pencil liner. personally, i've converted to gel liner. i used boots black gel liner with m.a.c.'s angled 266 brush. i did the bottom line first with the upward angle pointing towards the edge of my brows. then i did the top, tapering the line towards the inner corners. i really wish i had white liner to do my waterline. i have very deep-set, small eyes and that would've helped take this look over the top.

the coke can updo is super easy, especially if you've ever put rollers in your hair. my hair is very layered so it took half a can of cheap, mega hold hair spray and a heap of bobby pins. i didn't do much with the side or back but you could twist the remaining sections of hair into a low side-bun and it would probably look rad. i haven't even taken my hair down. it's comfortably out of my damn face for once.

for the lips, as i mentioned before, i primed them with m.a.c. concealer. i used ruby woo lipstick just a hair inside the edges. then i lined my lips just slightly outside the natural lip line with black eyeliner. i blended the black into the red using light strokes with my ring finger, then topped it off with sheer red lip gloss.

if you're ready to go all the way for a costume look, you will need a leather jacket, fishnets, ankle boots and a bustier or corset. studded belts and bracelets, fingerless gloves, dark polish, all great for that prison yard, biker babe look.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

how we de-funkify our faces

This conversation was held via GChat on March 19th, 2010.

effie: so there's like...oats. in my bathtub.

abba: ok. i don't know why that brings to mind horses. do you now have a fucking horse in your apartment, because if you do i want to ride it.
also, is your horse amazing? and does it turn into a plane?

effie: no horses

abba: damn.

effie: but you know how adrian and ryan hung out at my house on Sunday?

abba: no, but go on.

effie: alright well you know i had this idea that i should help adrian clean up a little since he's gonna be getting job interviews and shit
and ryan wanted to jump on the bandwagon
he mentioned that he feels like he looks tired and haggard
which is nonsense, he has fucking perfect skin but whatever
i looked up recipes for skin brightening masks
and lemme tell you
but it worked

abba: what was the recipe?

effie: it's one cup plain yogurt, 1/2 a cup of oats, a tbsp of honey and a few squirts of lime juice

abba: nice. that sounds delicious.
and you leave it on?

effie: i left it on like 10 minutes
it looked like someone had vomited all over us
and the yogurt funk is pretty powerful

abba: the funk? did the lime juice curdle it or something?

effie: it might've
i guess you don't realize how strong yogurt smells until it's on your fuckin face, you know?

abba: yeah, makes sense.

effie: anyway, everyone unanimously agreed there was a difference
we all felt tighter and brighter

abba: hey, do you remember that time that you did a face mask with the Queen Helene stuff and you had a crazy reaction?

effie: OMG
and i was drunk and afraid to take benadryl
because i have to be shitfaced to really feel that SPA RELAXATION
i thought it would be brilliant to put the mint julep mask on my t zone where i'm oily
and the olive oil mask everywhere else where i'm dry
well ALL OF IT fucked me up

abba: ok, im glad you said the olive oil mask.
because i used it the other day and chris and i both had the WORSE REACTION

effie: what the fuck haahahhaha
umm sexy motherplumper lip gloss does that
not even joking
that shit is fire

abba: ok, but that makes sense. WHY THE FUCK DOES OLIVE OIL MASK DO THAT

effie: i'm sure you can make a mask at home with olive oil
in fact i remember seeing one

abba: im pretty sure you can just rub olive oil all over your face and get some really nice moisturizing benefits.
without the crazy chemical peel feeling
thats what they use to the olde tymes.

effie: yeah i dunno about main-lining the EVOO, that might be a little too much for the oily parts of my face
but i know you can incorporate it as an ingredient with yogurt as the preferred base

abba: i need to start using it.

effie: greek yogurt would be even better but it's expensive

abba: and so delicious. the mask wouldn't work cause ID FUCKIN' EAT THAT SHIT FIRST.

effie: ahahahahaha

abba: but right now, i'm pretty satisfied with the mint julep mask on my tzone and moisturizer on my dry spots. god damn combo/oily skin makes everything so fucking complicated.

effie: I KNOW RITE

abba: what moisturizer are you using, btw?

effie: i've been using boots
for sensitive skin

it's really light

abba: ive been using cetaphil daily with SPFz.
its pretty nice. a little goes a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong way.
which is good cause the bottle was 8 frikkin' bucks for a thimble-full.

effie: cetaphil's supposed to be the shit
i got a decent sized tub of the boots stuff for not a lot
it does the job
i might switch toner though
i'm using sea breeze but it's a little rowdy

abba: my toner is more like an acid bath.
im using clean and clear astringent.

effie: hahahah yeah i think i'm gonna switch to witch hazel
at least the sea breeze compensates for how utterly useless my cleanser is

abba: i've never owned a cleanser that doesn't leave makeup behind. my toner always picks some nasty shit up.
im sure this can be remedied by washing twice

effie: dude right? the cottonball is like BLACK


effie: hahahaha
i don't remember being in black face

abba: LOL

effie: so what i'm using right now is also by boots
it's called beautifully balanced
and the only thing going for it is that it smells strongly like scotch

abba: and rich mahogany?

effie: and leatherbound books.
many of them.

abba: lolol. alright listen. i have to get going soon.

effie: me too

abba: lets wrap this up by posting our basic routine.
for face care.

effie: cleanser, toner and moisturizer
however i'm a big fan of proactiv scrub
and origins a perfect world serum
it goes on after toning and before moisturizing
tons of antioxidants

abba: i need a good serum. i love mom's boots serum.
i have to find out the name.
its like fucking silk.

effie: also origins checks and balances cleanser R00LZ

abba: for me it’s
cleanser, toner, moisturizer, eye cream. scrub once every 3 days. i'm using a green tea, sugar, honey, lemon scrub. DIY BITCH. and the mint julep mask twice a week.

effie: WORD
oh also, word up to shiseido white lucent mask
if you just feel like spending mad cash on your face
that shit is GOOD

abba: f'real. making it rain...on your face.

effie: lol

Monday, March 15, 2010

Kiss me. I'm shit faced.

St. Patrick's day quickly approaches which means for the first time since New Years Eve, I get to pull out my most vibrant and outlandish makeup.

However, while wearing the cutest green makeup for the occasion is a high priority, making sure said makeup stays on my face after a long night of drinking and making vom-vom all over the bathroom is the ultimate goal.

Products used:

1. Urban Decay Primer Potion
2. Coastal Scents 88 Palette
3. Ulta brand false lashes
4. Covergirl Lash Blast Volume
5. Sonia Kashuk gel liner
6. Urban Decay 24/7 pencil liner

The look is kinda toned down, but as I previously mentioned I want to look cute and festive - not like an irish draq queen.

As an aside, my eyebrows are jacked. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. How do I fix these things?

And now, I leave you with: MEIN GOOGLY EYEZ!

Friday, March 12, 2010

LASH of the Titans - Mascara review #1

This conversation was held via GChat on March 12th, 2010. Prepare for LAFFZ.


effie: Mascara’s?

abba: Ok.

I’ve only ever used a few. However, one is coming to mind…a pink one?

effie: Pink?

abba: Yeah, the one that people have been using since the fucking 80's.

effie: Ooohh, Maybelline Great Lash. It gives me crazy tarantula Tammy Faye eyes.

abba: HAHAHAHAH Omg, I was just about to say! I get those KILL IT WITH FIRE Tarantula eyes.

effie: Exactly. Someone tried to set my face on fire because of Great Lash. It’ll be on the next Tyra.

abba: I'm pretty sure I've had nightmares involving Great Lash sealing my eyes shut for all eternity with its tar like consistency. Yuugh.

effie: Ahaahahaha! Allure has voted that shit like the Top Mascara of All Time probably a thousand years in a row. I'm like really everyone? NOTHING else works for you?

Moving along - remember when Mom used to give us her free L’ancome samples of Definicils?

abba: Oh wow! Yeah! I think I used those samples all through middle and high school

This in retrospect was a bad idea. And probably the source of many eye infections.

effie: HAHAHA Eeewww. Crusty eyes.

abba: Speaking of horrible maladies to befall our sensitive little eyeballs...

Do you remember when you used that mascara on me for Halloween and we tried to make it look "runny" with eye drops and it set my eye on fire?

That shit burned like acid. What was that?

effie: Systane eye drops

Also, your eyes are wimps.

abba: No no, the mascara.Was that MAC?

effie: Oh I dunno. Probably zoom lash.

abba: Yikes. More like doom lash.

effie: But I think it was the eye drops that fucked you up. Definitely not the mascara.

Pretty sure the eye drops were expired

abba: How dare you.

effie: Hahahahah! You couldn't handle lash glue either, remember? You were like OHGODITBURNS

abba: Because it got in my EYE! You were just trying to blind me that night.

effie: I'm pretty sure it didn't.

abba: I'm pretty sure it did.

effie: I'm pretty sure you have an extra ten million nerves in each eyeball.

Because you are such a wuss.

abba: I hate you.

Let’s wrap this up.

What are your fav's and you never again's?

effie: Ok.

Fav’s: zoomlash by m.a.c. & diorshow by dior

Never Again’s: Plushlash by m.a.c. because I ran out of zoomlash last month and bought plushlash since it's supposed to be for volume and curl. Two things I lack desperately.

The brush on plushlash is too fat to get in the corners.

I like to fan the outer corners out as much as possible and I can't seem to get that fat fucker in there without risking serious injury.

So zoomlash was better.When I run out of plushlash I'm going back to that.

And, umm Great Lash by Maybelline.

abba: Obv.

effie: Yours?

abba: Well, since I have barely tried any mascaras in my lifetime, I'm going to stick with Lash Blast Volume by Covergirl, & Definicils by L’ancome as my fav's.

And umm, Great Lash by Maybelline & Lash Blast Lengthening as my never again’s.

effie: The Lash Blast one is like...guitar shaped right?

Or hourglass?

Of course I would say guitar shaped. I'm such a fool.


It’s like...rocket shaped?

effie: I’m talking about the brush, you moron.

Not the tube.

abba: Oooh. Not really.

effie: Nevermind, I just saw a pic and you're right. I was thinking about that new Rimmel one.

abba: I’m down to try it. I wanna try the Rimmel products. I hear a lot of conflicting reviews so I wanna give it a shot.

effie: I've only ever bought a nail polish and it sucked. The color was pretty but the quality is super gluey and terrible.

abba: That’s not enough to make an informed opinion on their products!

Wait, WE'RE DERAILING! Ok, which ones do you wanna try?

effie: Oh what’s the one with the tubes?

abba: ...

effie: I haven't read any reviews on it. But yeah, it forms tubes around your lashes.

abba: …tubes? Sounds like L'oreal.

effie: Yeah, and then with warm water the tubes just fall off so your lashes don't get damaged.

Yup! L'oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes


And have you seen that Givenchy Phenomeneyes?

The brush is just like a spiky little ball at the end that's a great idea because you basically have total control.

abba: Haven’t heard of it, but I think I’m going to give L'Oreal Telescopic Explosion Breakthrough Mascara a shot. It has the same brush. And that stupid little brush gets me every time I see the commercial. EVERY TIME!

effie: Cool. So next time, powders/foundations? We could probably go on for ages about that.

abba: Let’s do it.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Fellow makeup nerds,

To make this intro short, I'll cut straight to the chase -

We're not here to be nice about makeup, and we're not here to try and sell you some shit that you don't need.

What you will find here are hilarious rips on crappy products, YouTube Guru judgment calls (more on that later), and advice on what works for us.

Keep hating from the far left,

-Your hideous leaders <3